WALKING BACK INTO THE LIGHT

Oregon is filthy with pumpkin patches.  They’re everywhere & all the ones that I’ve ever been to will let you roam around for free on the weekdays which is like gold for a mama looking for get-the-heck-outta-the-house activities, especially after potty training.  Run, child.  Run amongst the pumpkins.

dsc04602dsc04607dsc04612dsc04615

dsc04616dsc04617dsc04621dsc04622

It’s been raining buckets.  The days have been gray & short.  This is usually my favorite time of year, it’s the precursor to even colder weather (yes!) & Thanksgiving & Christmas (yes & yes!).  I used to feel so bad for people who shared in meetings about apprehension & sadness as this time of year rolled around.

I perhaps have more to relate to them this go around, October was a mother trucker.  I glared at the trees exploding gold & the gusty bales of rain crashing against windows.  Most the time I didn’t see Fall, I had tunnel vision.  I couldn’t see the good or the light.

I struggled.

I have a huge deal with imperfection.  It takes me a long time to swallow that pill.  I heard on an AA podcast that there are two sides to a scale that will eff with your spirituality:  Perfectionism & high expectations being on one side (with people, places, & things) & IMPERFECTION & realistic expectations.  This lesson I learn over & over.  Not sure I’ll ever ‘graduate.’

Today the sun came out & shined the hell out of Oregon.  People were commenting on it at yoga class & on FB.

Today I’m okay that my son was going in one direction & me in the exact other.  As he throws food on the floor I started to grumble, as I stoop to pick it up he kicks me in the head.  I make a face & the grumbling turns into laughter.

This is the deal girl, my head says calmly.  It’s gonna be okay.

I meet with my sponsor tonight & I’m looking forward to talking stuff out with her.  My biggest fear right now?  That I won’t be a good mother.  If I was a stranger on the outside looking in I would wonder if I was crazy.  Look at all that love you have for that toddler there, I would tell myself.

But it’s a fear no less.  & it weighs on me heavy.

dsc04661dsc04663dsc04665

dsc04669dsc04670dsc04671

dsc04672dsc04674dsc04676

dsc04682dsc04683

Tdsc04688

Today felt really good.  My expectations of myself & my toddler are back to being right sized.

dsc04691dsc04680

I will take things day by day, it doesn’t just apply to drinking.  I will be easier on myself.

Yoga is going really well, I taught a ‘glowga’ class last night.  All the regulars showed up & we had so much fun painting glow paint on & selecting glow bracelets.  If I do it again I will make it darker with more black lights….Ech, sounds like perfectionism again, eh?  It was imperfectly perfect last night.  That’s what I meant to say. 😉

I’m taking some extra time off as the center where I teach is closed for most of November.  I’ll teach, but my classes are down to half.  I’ve received a couple leads for gigs, but I don’t feel the pressure I felt before.  I feel more of a peace when I teach too, like it’s up to the individual yoga student to grow in their practice, not just up to me.  Very freeing.  I’m happy where I am yoga-wise & it feels good to be there.

These are the patches we’ve visited so far & above in the pictures:

Lee Farms

Fir Point Farms

Ryser’s Farm

Wishing you all a CONTENTED Fall season leading into Winter.  Sending out much love.

~Namaste.

 

 

Advertisements

GETTING HIT

“Life keeps throwing me curve balls and I don’t even own a bat. At least my dodging skills are improving.”

~Jayleigh Cape

I want to start this post out with saying (as it has already been said) that I definitely have problems in areas I never dreamed of before, my life is an absolute gift, & I experience being happy, joyous, & free on a regular basis.  This was NOT my experience 9 years ago.  My life was the exact opposite, I cringed thinking of the moment that I would wake each day, that feeling of absolute rock bottomness I experienced on a daily basis from the time I woke until I got that alcohol down my throat, & then oblivion to only have it start all over again.

I am so very, very grateful.  I know I still have areas to improve in my character, in my career, as a mother, daughter, friend, & sister.  But I also feel very much ENOUGH without having to put anything in my body to have that feeling.

Having that all said, I will say now that the past month has been very challenging, mid-September until now.  We moved, & various situations snowballed into an avalanche of bad feelings & stress.  Everything that was supposed to be in a certain place was lost.  It took a couple weeks to find stuff.  I’m talking about human wits here too, not just possessions.  I went to meetings & spoke about it.  I asked friends to watch H so I could go to meetings.  I even tried a meeting with child care.  I started reading pages 60-63 & 86-88 each morning just like I did when I first got sober.  Things slowly began to get better.  I felt a new normal.

THEN, I decided it was time to potty train H.  Oh, holy hell is all I can say!  Also: it’s really hard!  I beefed up my meetings the week prior because I was going to do this & my parents were going to be out of town.  This was good as less distraction for the potty training, but bad as less human interaction for the mama.

Lots ‘o’ tears friends.  Lots ‘o’ tears.

We are ‘getting it’ slowly.  The thing I hate more than almost anything (have to throw an almost in there just in case!) is seeing my son feel anxious & sad.  ACK, it kills me!  He just wants his freakin diaper back so things can go back to normal.  It’s really hard to see him so confused.  But like I said, each day we are getting better at this.

img_5214_srgb

And he is so resilient.  He & I will be okay.  There will one day be a new normal where we both potty in porcelain thrones without tears or regrets.  I realized too throughout this process that one of my biggest fears is to do something that will directly hurt my son.  So when he cries if I ask him to tell me if he has to go potty, my fear intensifies his seeming discomfort.  I can’t take all the bad out of life for him.  I can’t take discomfort away from him.  Sometimes we need discomfort (pee in underwear, yucky!) to CHANGE.

I’d again appreciate any prayers/good vibes.  This too shall pass, I know.

~Namaste