SHARP & IN FOCUS

I’ve been slacking on the blogging lately, I had these tulip fest pics stored for weeks now.

As far as the tulips go, oooh boy, isn’t it just nice to get out of the house sometimes, any other mamas out there hear me?  Especially when you can find something that interests both kid(s) and mom, it’s a gosh-danged miracle.

Winter has melded into Spring here in Oregon.  We still get chilly mornings and evenings, but it’s necessary to discard sweatshirts when standing in the sun.  Clouds ever racing and changing overhead, dark as earl gray tea one moment and a kaleidoscope of starburst color the next.  Oregon weather still has it’s knack to continuously take my breath away.

H has turned into a sleeping machine, 2-3 hour naps and sleeping through the night.  He’s had many mornings of waking up past 7am, a happenstance I was sure I would never see.

Along with additional sleep I have felt myself challenged with different spiritual things.  I find it hard to fall asleep at night at times (now that I’m not overly exhausted), my head whirring with worries.  I find myself teaching and saying many things as I teach yoga that I should probably be doing myself.

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My meditation game is gone.  After teacher training I was meditating for 10 minutes every day, saying mantra, and I was feeling great.  So I recently recommitted myself to meditating more often.  I found a great portal here.  I made it a point to not try to over do it, but just set the goal of meditating once a week in addition to the weekly group meditation I attend.  I’m taking baby steps and I’m telling myself good job when I follow through.

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HE DOES NOT EAT LIKE THIS EVERY DAY I PROMISE.

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During meditation today I wrote this poem:

FEARS:  Alone.  Cast out.  Knocking on doors, no one answers.  Will you come see me?  Can you tell me everything will be okay?  Touch my cheek & hand?  Look into my eyes?

It’s so strange that the things you think are bothering you never really are when you begin to dig deep down below the surface.  Uh, those icky, ghosty fears, even though you know that:

Fear is just a state of mind, not fact.

I had been feeling real faith in my HP lately.  When I was young I heard people say faith and I wondered at their clarity of belief in it, it seems like a flimsy thing, like you have this false feeling even trying to believe in it.  But then you experience the other side of faith, hoping and believing and then the universe proves it true in your very deep being.  It doesn’t feel fake anymore.  It feels gloriously solid.  And real.  And substantial.  Like you just know that you know that you know.

And then you get scared again.

I guess it’s just a cycle, a lot like life and Winter and Spring.  Deep down I know what is true.  In my head?  Not so much.  So in the meantime I’ll just wait and see.  And pray and hopefully call my sponsor like I shared in the meeting that I went to last night.

Wishing/Vibing that all of you out there connect with what you know is to be true.  That false things fall by the wayside and you faith grows into real golden substance.

~Namaste.

 

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ALREADY HOME

If you’re like me you’ve moved around quite a bit in life.  I was born in Huntington Beach, CA but went to kindergarten 8 hours north up in Red Bluff, CA.  Back and forth we went following my dad’s desperate escape from his own addiction.  Starting over and moving again.  Fate brought me back to Southern California some good amount of years ago and filtered me out into a town called Long Beach.  I referred to it as a concrete jungle at a meeting this past week and an Oregonian came up to me after and said, you must mean California.  See, there’s a Long Beach here in Oregon too, but those two places couldn’t be more different.

Ah yes, Long Beach, you great big beautiful concrete jungle.  Filled with all types of people, the most ethnically diverse place I’ve ever lived and never noticed until I visited last week.  Full of hippies, vegans, meat eaters, beach goers, realists, and so much more.  Eccentrics aren’t blinked twice at, one of my favorite scenes used to be a older man in full cowboy gear riding a bike around 4th street.  And my bet is on most of the occupants of that fair city if there ever is a sort of apocalyptic event, Long Beach people don’t mess around.  And it’s full of AAers:

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I got to see so many of my friends.  I got to eat a Hole Mole veggie burrito.  I got to go to a bunch of old meetings, whew boy all those new faces!  And plenty of old faces too, more than I thought I would see.  I got to go to my friend’s brand new yoga studio, Olive Yoga, what a space!

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THIS IS FROM ONE OF MY FRIEND’S HOME, A VERY OLD BUILDING THAT USED TO BE A WAREHOUSE.

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I was one of the first people she taught when she was going through teacher training.  What a teacher she is!  Many times over the years, I have been blessed to be taught by her and she has a way of speaking truth to your soul that as a student you hear and just get.  I wrote on her chalk board below, love, love, love to this space.

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I think the very best part of the journey was the sit downs with friends, if it was a group restaurant flurry of conversation, or a two hour talk.  Those friends you are apart from for years and you click right back in with.

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I stayed in my friend’s spaces.  Interesting because I figured most of my pictures for this post would be outdoor, would you believe the Oregon weather trailed behind me?  It was murky and drizzly, I ended up taking pictures of the interiors of my friend’s homes which in the end seemed to suit just fine.

And something else I realized. In Oregon I’m already home.  I’ve built a little life here.  As much as I love and loved Long Beach, it ain’t my home any more.  My friends still are my home there, so I will go back again.  But it’s a place I’ll visit, not a place to be pined after any longer.

I’m eight years sober tomorrow!  I’m so grateful for my friends (here and there), my son, my family, my HP, & my sobriety.  I would not have any type of life if I wasn’t sober.

I also feel like it’s time to let some more stuff go, as yoga girl says, those things that don’t serve me any longer.  I think that deep down we all know what those things are if we let ourselves follow our intuitions.

Sending out positive & truthful vibes to you all, you are all souls full of light!

~Namaste.

HUMANHOOD

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much I love to isolate and be alone, but also how much I need people.  I need to be loved.  I need to love others.  Before I got sober I thought about living out the last of my days in a cave while under the influence of some substance, it didn’t matter what.  At that time this scenario felt really close to happening, too close.  It sounded like a good thing at the time, like I actually fantasized about it!  I’m overwhelmed by sadness for that girl, the person I used to be, and the box I put myself in.

It’s a far cry from that today.  I have a host of friends.  It’s also important for me to make the point that I don’t have to be all things to everyone.  AND people don’t have to be all things to me either!  I’m trying to find a place where I can be okay if someone doesn’t ‘like’ me and just nourish the relationships that are doing well.  I read this today:

TRUE BROTHERHOOD

We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend among friends, to be a worker among workers, to be a useful member of society.  Always we tried to struggle to the top of the heap, or to hide underneath it.  This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us.  Of true brotherhood we had small comprehension.  ~Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions p. 53

This message contained in Step Four was the first one I heard loud and clear; I hadn’t seen myself in print before!  Prior to my coming into A.A., I knew of no place that could teach me how to become a person among persons.  From my very first meeting I saw people doing just that and I wanted what they had.  One of the reasons that I’m a happy, sober alcoholic today is that I’m learning this most important lesson. ~Daily Reflections 4/5

It was so strange that I came across this message today as this is right where I am mentally.  Or not so strange, however you see it.  I’m headed out to Long Beach this weekend and I really want to focus on going with the flow (which doesn’t always come naturally to me) and just focusing on the beauty and joy that happens with the friends I see.  I shared last Sunday at a meeting how it will be weird sitting in a Long Beach meeting and how I will probably miss Oregon meetings!  That is truly a break through for me as it was really hard to let go of Long Beach AA as being the right, or “real” AA.  AA is AA no matter where you go, but I know what it means to go through having to rebuild your cohort of sober folks in another place.  It’s hard.  I get that.

In yoga news, I went to an audition last week.  Yoga interviews are such a far cry from the more corporate and customer service interviews I was so used to.  First of all, it’s somehow allowable to wear a tank top and yoga pants.  Second, everyone is always very laid back.  Small talk always flows easy.  What is hard is getting over the jitters of giving a half hour class to yoga pros.  Ack.  Nerves.  I felt pretty good about it though and it will be what it will be.  I’m headed to an aqua (!?) yoga class tomorrow to learn/train/observe at the aquatic center where I teach (dry land yoga).  The teacher needs a sub!  Sometimes you can’t make this stuff up.  An open door type scenario possibly..?

Pictures of Easter egg hunt & Spring seed planting:

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SCARED?  H WAS TOO!  HE DIDN’T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE EASTER BUNNY THIS YEAR.

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We’ve had a string of sunny days & I’ve done very well with them.  I actually was kind of sad when the rain came back, H & I already getting into a little routine of going in the back yard in the morning.  So 2016 intention going well so far.  It’s pretty easy to be happy in 70-ish degrees I guess.

Sending all of you good vibes & see you on the other side of Long Beach.

Xo.

~Namaste