TWO

I went to a baby shower last weekend that was nestled under the hill next to the hospital where I gave birth.  I even missed the turn in and got to drive by the building, the gray end of day light bouncing gold off the windows, & I wondered, which room was mine?  H & I made it through an hour and a half of the shower, his quick snatching (whew boy, toddlers are QUICK) of ‘items not to be messed with,’ and general screeching & yelling let me know it was time to head home.  I luckily got to sit next to the mama to be during dinner and felt my heart melt as I looked down at her belly & spoke to her about what is to be.  H sat on my lap immersed in a cupcake decorated with acorns & foxes.  I dipped a napkin in water & wiped away chocolaty icing without half even knowing that I was doing it.

This time two years ago I was waking up four to five times a night, staying up late, and sleeping in.  I was traveling to Portland to visit yoga studios, breast feeding classes, & vegan bakeries.  I was bored.  I cleaned & cooked dinner.  H kicked while we watched the Olympics & I crocheted a baby blanket.  I remember going into his room and just sitting there for long moments.  It was so peaceful in there & I just wondered & wondered.  What is he going to be like?  What is it going to be like?

The indescribable moment between, holy damnation when am I going to push the pushes of all pushes & push this bb out, to having the dr. hand you over a tiny, wrinkly, lovable, little alien looking baby & all the sudden that baby that was JUST in your tummy is now breast feeding?!?

And from that moment on wondering, where is my baby?  Is he alright?  And if you can reaching out to touch him so that you know he’s okay & right next to you.

Always reaching out to make sure he’s okay and that he’s right next to you.

How did he grow from such a small baby into such a big toddler?  How is it that he is almost already TWO?!

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Still so close even when far away.

He’s going on a couple trips with my parents in the next couple months.  I’ve felt anxiety.  On a plane & states away from me.  Last night I remembered seeing a bag of grapes in the bottom drawer of the refrigerator.  I almost went downstairs to get them out and put them higher (did it this morning instead).  I left a blanket on his noise machine to cover the light.  I couldn’t sleep, thinking, what if it falls on his face?  So silly, I crept back in to take it off.

There will be times when I won’t be there.  This fact is something I mostly refuse to comprehend.  I try to find peace in the knowledge that I am there most of the time & I try to trust that great mysterious higher power that he will be okay.

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That he is always watched over.

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TUPPERWARE MAKES FOR GREAT HATS.

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MUST PLAY WITH SPARKLY WALL.

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WAKING UP AT 5AM IS HARD BUT SEEING THIS IS EASY.

I’ll be weaning H after his birthday.  Breast feeding has been a cake walk (as far as him taking to it), I remember walking around with him in the hospital, attached to my breast.  The nurse said, is this your second one?  I said no, first.  She said, wow.  It must have been the easy way I held him while he nursed, I don’t know.  He never took to a pacifier, he has just always been very content with the boob.

And now it’s time to get him off of it.  I feed him mostly at night.  My parents don’t want him to be shocked when they take him on vacation.  I’ve had issues with breast feeding, I have been way over it, I had the rashes that burned and itched.  It hurt like hell when I first started.

But I don’t want to let it go.

It’s another remnant of his babyhood.  It soothes him.  But it’s time.  I thought I would be overjoyed to stop.  I guess I’m surprised that I’m not.  He’s gotten to the age where he understands stuff.  I’ve been gently telling him the boob is going bye bye.  He understands & he’s not happy about it.

But it will ultimately be okay I know.

Pictures of the BIG TWO to follow.

Wishing you all smooth & gentle transitions.  Sending out peace & love to those in between, awkward places.

~Namaste.

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OPEN & WILLING

There have lately been occurrences of longer than normal periods of the actual *gasp* SUN here in the pacific nw:

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ABOVE:  MY GREAT-GRANDMA’S OLD GLIDER, MY MOM SAT ON WHEN SHE WAS H’S AGE.

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I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BLOW BUBBLES YET, BUT I DO ENJOY ACTING LIKE I DO.

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It’s been nice to get out in it.  Is it an early Spring?  I can’t help but think that Spring leads into Summer & then a feeling of foreboding floods me.  Summer is my intention/new year’s resolution this year so I’ve been trying to think of it in a more positive light.  I decided I should make a list of all of the reasons why summer is a good thing:

  •  Free outdoor yoga in the green is happening!  I spoke with parks & rec & the dates will be in their booklet that they mail around to everyone in town!  Very stoked about this & our new location.
  • Less ‘gear’ to wear outside.  Now we have endless hats, scarfs, gloves, coats, & ect. we have to layer on for the cold.  Soon we will only have to worry about sunscreen.
  • Flip flops/sandals.  These are not the most attractive of foot wear, but danggit, they feel so good & summery to wear.
  • Our pool is open.
  • There are two REALLY nice water features at two parks in town (and a mini one in our neighborhood).  H loves to go to these & splash around.
  • We won’t be stuck inside all day due to wet weather.
  • Trips!  I’m planning some trips for just me & a couple for H & I.
  • Summer dresses.
  • Bubbles in the backyard.
  • Outdoor dinners.
  • Long walks around the neighborhood.
  • The smell of Summer:  BBQ mixed with sunscreen.
  • Camping at some point (or at many points).

This is all I can come with for now.  I’m hoping it will have the same effect as the email gratitude lists I’ve been involved with over the last couple months, which do indeed make me into a more grateful person.  I will hopefully be able to add to this list and change my feelings & outlook about Summer for 2016.

Meanwhile, we hold onto more gray days within & find entertainment in the little things, when not watching Thomas the Train:

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There are many yoga poses I love, many I don’t understand quite yet, & many I do not love.  A teacher back in LB used to encourage to not get too attached to those poses we tend to love & to not hate the ones that are difficult or that we don’t understand.

I guess I’m layering that idea over my Summer intention.  I love Christmas so much!  As well as the holidays before, possible snow, hot chocolate, rain, constant rain, rain again, gray skies, all of it!  I would like to release this season to be able to open my heart to hot, steamy Summer (see how excited I am about Summer heat).  Last night in the meeting the subject of open mindedness, willingness, & honesty came up.  I remember when I first got sober, looking at the steps on the wall, seeing the word, ‘god’ and feeling like I just couldn’t go there again.  I did however crack open the wee-ist slit of willingness deep down in my soul.  That small fissure has since widened into a huge, blossomy canyon.  On the flip side I believe it is very important to not just let anything in & to develop a strong intuition.  Your mistakes will teach you lessons too.

But, ah, be a bit willing.  This is what I’m trying to do & to also let go of some of my go to attachments.  How do we get attached to things we cannot even physically touch?!

I subbed at Escape to Yoga!  It was so awesome.  I happened to get a email just the day before that a vinyasa teacher needed a sub last minute.  I was in a good head space that morning.  I felt confident.  Everything I had been through, yoga teacher wise, was shining all around me.  I could feel the need of the students in the room.  They wanted to move, breathe, and learn more about yoga.  I knew how to get them there.  Just being able to sub a yoga class at a studio may not seem like much to some, but it was a HUGE gift for me.  I had written before about how just the thought of teaching in a studio made me want to hurl.  I have come far and I am very grateful.

Wishing you all a very non-attached day/week/month/rest of Winter/Spring/hehe, almost Summer.

~Namaste

 

 

 

AN UNSTRUCK HEART

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I ONLY ATE ONE, VERY PROUD OF MYSELF.

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An artist friend, Bonnie Taylor-Talbot had a bunch of us over to her art studio to make Valentines.  She’s an amazing artist, check out more of her art out here & here.  The whole experience was so light, pink (yes, pink!), & dreamy I did filter all of these photos to represent that.  Note that her paintings in reality are darker and more colorful, check out her site above.  She said that she made valentines for different people in the past, that they didn’t have to be just given to a significant other.  I really loved this idea, I decided to make some for all of my yoga students.  The studio will soon have glitter all over the floor…

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VALENTINES FOR YOGA STUDENTS.

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THIS WAS A VALENTINE I MADE FOR MYSELF.

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MY FRIEND’S ART, IT IS WAY MORE AMAZING IN PERSON!

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A VALENTINE FOR MY PARENTS.

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SUCH AN AMAZING SPACE.

I’ve been getting up even earlier than normal over the past week, my mom had eye surgery and I had to take my car into the shop.  Those wake ups plus my 6:30am classes made me feel like I did when I had a normal 9 to 5 again.  H still is up before seven most days, but at least I don’t have to get ready to be seen by the outside world.

Besides my yoga gig I got two new yoga private clients.  It felt really good to be able to go over and meet to talk with them about what their past lives were all about and what goals they’d like to set for their yoga practice.  I still get that thought that startles me, wow I’m a legit actual yoga teacher.  I’m still not used to it yet.

More hip pain in the left hip this time.  I feel dejected about the limitation.  Every body is different and I definitely have my limitations when it comes to yoga.  I’m always trying to remind students (especially when they’re new) to go easy on themselves and respect what their bodies are trying to tell them.  It’s hard for me at this point having done yoga this past year and have gotten to a good place and now I have to back on out of that place. It’s forced me to get off of my mat WAY MORE which is great, but I want the pain to G O.   It messes with my sense of security.  I’m teaching yoga, it’s my job.  What happens if I can’t teach?

The truth is that I can still teach, even if I can’t do.   But man I love yoga, that’s why I teach it because I love to DO IT.

So we’ll see how it goes.

I’ve been teaching an open heart series, it continues next week focusing on the clavicle & shoulders.  Anti-text neck with some chakra theory thrown in.  And a whole lot of vinyasa, possibly minus me doing the vinyasa.  The sanskrit anahata (the heart chakra) supposedly translates as, “unstruck.”

Unstruck, not an easy word to get.  For me it’s come to mean the opposite of being struck or hurt.  It means you are WHOLE.  Many parts of yoga are foggy and interpreted in all different ways.  It’s good for me to focus more on alignment and movement, but I do love all of the extra stuff, which there is a vast amount of.  Asana is just one chunk of yoga.

H & I have been spending our days (after the early mornings) eating, he eats every half hour I swear, walking, and negotiating time out.  Not sure if he gets it just yet, he’s still a little young.  Another phase, another thing to grow and learn from.  He’s been regularly getting sleepy at noon.  It only took 2 years for him to get predictable sleep-wise, no biggie.

Wishing you all an overall wholeness to your lives.  & happy almost Valentines Day!

~Namaste