A WINTER REPRIEVE

I guess everyone will have a reprieve of sorts after the next week or so as school goes on break and people begin to travel towards loved ones to celebrate Christmas.  If you’re familiar with me or this blog you know how much I love rain, Winter, Christmas, ect.  In the week before Christmas I’m trying to take it all in and enjoy it.  The lights in ‘downtown’ Wilsonville.  The Christmas songs.  The decorations around the house.  I’m also thinking about my intention/resolution for 2016.  Living in the moment, being grateful for the past, and visualizing goals for the future.  A tricky line to walk.

We went to the Nutcracker yesterday, my first live Nutcracker performance!  We ate lunch in downtown Portland before the show, what a treat to go into the big city and just relish the day.  Sans boys, it was me, my mom, my two step-sisters, and their two daughters.  I spent pretty much the whole day without H, always bittersweet.  A nice break but I always miss him.  It feels like I’m missing a limb.  He grows bigger and heavier.  Where did my little baby go?  I wonder.

The Keller Auditorium:

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And more meandering around at home below:

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Yoga is going well, I’m seeing the same faces almost every class.  I haven’t had any more classes where no one showed up.  I kept gearing myself up for it but it didn’t happen.  I can’t tell you how much I love seeing someone walk in with their mat!  It’s the best.  I’ve been finding my glide into the teaching groove as well.  I pick a theme for the week and just add and subtract new or old stuff each class.  For my night and morning turnaround classes, I come home, get H to bed and sleep in my yoga clothes, ha.

I had recently been feeling homesick for Long Beach AGAIN.  I wasn’t feeling the meetings here and felt like no one liked me, basic lies your head will tell you.  I struggled with it for a couple days and finally came to the conclusion via the Higher Power that I just wasn’t in acceptance about people places or things.  No place is perfect.  I can’t hold LB on this high pedestal because it wasn’t perfect there either.  I have to find my place in meetings and AA here continually because I have to look out for my sobriety.  It passed.  It may be the season.  My friends in Long Beach are my family too, just not by blood.  I was walking around at home in a tank and long john pants I always wear.  They were each separately passed down to me by a bff in LB.  I realized right then that I carry them with me, in that place of the heart that no one can see.  I carry them with me in the tangible and the spiritual.  Uh, I feel so strange feeling homesick right now about all this stuff.  But it is what it is, right?

What happened to Friday nights?  Someone asked me last night at the meeting.  I had in a attempt to reach out to women here, been inviting them to coffee before the Friday meeting, and hadn’t done so the last couple of weeks.  Another sweet girl texted me and I opened up to her.  She said she will be my friend and go to meetings with me.  I give an inch and my HP gives me back light years.  As per usual.

Christmas next week!  My family traveling up from SoCal & NorCal!  I hope the weather agrees with their travel.

Wishing everyone out there a very peaceful Christmas week eve.

Namaste~

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YOGA, PARTY OF ONE

I’ve done lots of things alone in life.  Most haven’t bothered me, like I have seldom thought, having someone with me would make this so much better.  I’ve been single for years.  I’ve lived alone and enjoyed it.  I’ve gone to my fair share of movies alone.  I’ve sat at plenty of meetings alone, apart from different cliques (yes, there are even cliques in AA!), on the outside looking in, and kind of liking it most of the time.  I’m a loner and I isolate by nature so you could say this comes easy to me.  Well, folks if I know one thing yoga teaching wise, teaching all by yourself doesn’t work!  You need people in order to teach.  Double duh, right?  (And please read the end of this post to see what I really believe about being alone).

The last three weeks I have been flying solo at my recent yoga gigs.  Sadly, the studio in Milwaukie (east from Portland, OR) closed.  The same week it closed I got a new yoga gig at a swimming center that has a yoga studio about 20 minutes south of Wilsonville.  Great timing and totally my Higher Power I know, but my first three classes were empty.  After researching this strange phenomenon (being sarcastic there) I learned that it’s pretty common for a new yoga teacher with new yoga classes to have slim to none attendance.

Strangely enough I do believe I have made progress on not having the sing-songy voice while teaching.  I started building my sequences around a theme, more alignment oriented than philosophical.  When I speak from the place of the theme the sing-song voice vanishes.  When I say something a bit more rote like, lift your straight right leg into the air, the sing-song is back.  So if I’m passionate and interested in teaching about a theme I speak in a natural voice!  Yay!  I’m not worrying about the voice during the rest of the time (for now), I’m just going to trust that it takes care of itself.

And, yay some people showed the last two days of my first week at the aquatic center.  About a third were my Oregon friends, I am so thankful for them.  It felt so good to teach.  It also feels really good to have an emerging stronger sense of confidence with my teaching style.

A friend posted this picture on her FB feed last week and I though it was appropriate:

float

Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We
have to!

~BB page 103

 

And pictures of our basic early December lives:

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I will sweep.

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Christmas wonder.

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It’s always a good day when you make cookies:

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Pre assembling a new chair from nana & papa:

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The truth is that I don’t just need people to teach yoga classes to.  I need people period.  This has been a huge struggle for me since I got sober.  I was experiencing some stress one day last week and I left to Target to go get some things we needed.  I thought about how I needed to get back to relieve my step-dad.  I sat down in the eating area and called my sponsor instead.  I felt so much better, like I had let go of huge weights I had been stubbornly pushing along.  I have been not been feeling a part of again here in Oregon AA.  I’m praying about it.  I know the solution lies first in my Higher Power and then second in action I will need to take.  Isolation leads to drink.  This is a fact for me.

I’ve experience many moments in the last weeks when I have asked myself, what am I doing?  I’m not sure if the yoga deal will pan out.  I know that I do love doing it.  I’m nearing my one year anniversary of blogging and yoga is what sparked this blog.  But is it enough, I wonder.  I’m going to just keep showing up.  I’m also looking forward to the rest of December and spending lots of time with loved relatives I don’t get to see that often.

I hope everyone out there can get closer to doing something career-wise that they kind of like or even (gasp) love.

I wish a bunch of Christmas love for you and your families.

~Namaste